26.10.08

By the way

I didn't think to say this before, but I had a really interesting experience the other day.

For a few moments... just a few moments, I was completely at peace and secure. For a few moments, the abyss looked back and I saw... that this life doesn't matter. Not in a nihilistic sense, but in the sense that, everything is going to be fine. I saw life, and death, and how beautiful it all was.

People are basically good, we've always progressed, we've grown less violent over time, our weapons though terrible and impersonal have thinned our barriers. Our communication is better, and people are more empathetic on average. Of course, it's not guaranteed to continue, but so long as our race remains, we will strive to improve. It's who we are. And the day we stop striving, well that will be fine too because then enough people will have learned that it's okay to just be... or not be.

I saw the possibility... that even if there is life after this one, that we may not be judged. And I was happy with that. If all the hurting and broken people in the world could go on to another life free of all the pain, anger, and hate, especially their own, what a beautiful thing that would be. I've long since come to terms with the possibility of nothing, all the more reason to be good in this life. But with this... that we can shed all those bad things and be free of it... even if that's not the afterlife, it's so worthy of working towards in this life.

For those few moments I wasn't afraid. Why should I fear terrorists when I can feel no terror, why should I fear death when it's so beautiful, all harm is temporary, all wrong doings eventually forgotten. Why worry about what people think of my work, or my lifestyle, what people try and pass into law around me. No person on Earth can take away hope, no person can take my integrity or make the world less beautiful, only someone I give that power to, and I refuse it. And I was alive.

Now I'm afraid of my own shadow again, worrying about money and how to live. But you know, it's not so bad today. And you know, I think I want to find a way to live in that moment forever.

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