20.5.08

Another Personal Post, ick.

I've been drafting and redrafting this in my mind. Over and over I've sat down to write it, but it always kept coming up too emo. Today, a little piece of the puzzle finally fell into place though.

I quit my job a couple days ago, well actually I quite over two weeks ago but the date on my notice was up Saturday night. While I'm living at home I'm going to focus in on my art and development skills, try and get a game or two actually built and generating revenue. I've built within my head a lot of resistance to this path, going over major concerns bit by bit and building many solid arguments as to why not to do it. But at the end of the day my impulsive side won out, as it often does, and here I am with a whole lot of time on my hands.

I can't really say that I'm sure this will work out, a single person working on their home computer hasn't been a particularly successful business model for a while now. On the other hand though, what I can say is why I'm doing it, and why it has to be done this way.

This blog post was written many months ago. I wish I could say that was a down point in my life, but for about four years prior to that and to this day I've been stuck in a pretty bad fight with depression. Right now I'm on a high, I don't consider suicide every day! What always kept me alive through the lows though was a couple things, first, I hate pain, second, it wasn't my right to inflict that much pain on everyone around me.

I'm the last to make friends and the quickest to cut and run from those relationships... hell I'm not sure I honestly know the meaning of the word friend, perhaps they were all just passing acquaintances. In some strange twist of life though, I live for other people. It used to be what got me from one minute to the other, knowing that I had people left to live for right then that second. My whole decision making rationale is based on how it'll help or effect others.

There are entire worlds and societies that live inside my mind, growing and evolving, shifting and blending. I'm not sure when exactly, but eventually I came to the decision that that was my purpose for being. My reason to exist, to open up those worlds for others to see and explore, for someone else to escape into even if only for a short time. The problem with working for EA or any other big name company then, is that I won't be creating those worlds. I'll be creating their worlds and their marketing departments latest pet project worlds. Sure I could probably just consider it deferred living, but why would I want to spend any time not contributing to my reason for existence?

So I guess you can consider this the figurative opening of my own company; even if the literal opening will be some time in the future, near or far. Oh and you don't have to worry about EA or ActiBliztrosity buying me out. I've thought long and hard about those possibilities, and honestly my soul isn't worth the money, besides, it doesn't belong to me.

Its already been signed away to all of you.

- Sara
Amateur Desktop Philosopher

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