So I've been away from keyboard for.... about a week, maybe two. I wish I could say it was because I was off skydiving, visiting Europe or working hard on my program. The truth though is that I've been going to work and playing Call of Duty 4 between fourteen hour sleep sessions.
It's been a while since I'd let my depression get to me quite that badly. I'm not entirely sure what set it off, maybe not making any progress on my game, maybe just straight up loneliness. I probably won't ever know for sure. But tonight I think I'm finally pulling out of the fog, at least for a while. Strangely enough, it all happened while I was sitting in Panda Express. I go there a lot when I really just need to think, the hot guy who works there not effecting my decision at all >.>, and recently they've been playing some sort of Christmas mix.
Much to my surprise the song favorite things from the sound of music came on. It was a male singer, not Judie Garland, but it started me thinking all the same. What if I tried to think of happy things? What if I focused myself on what made me happy? Of course then I had to figure out what made me happy. Girls in white dresses with blue sashes didn't make the top ten, silvery winter melting into a beautiful spring is hard since I've never even seen snow, no, I was motivated by something else entirely. But what?
At this point I remembered when I had been working on birth, and finally gotten a ship to accelerate up to full speed and change acceleration as it turned... that moment when I had made something come to life. The act of creation, of taking a blank page of code and creating motion. My favorite thing.
So now I sit again before screens of code and Maya windows, even have a muck client open to examine an old world idea. Perhaps I can keep it going for a while this time... perhaps.